Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Sheening: TigerBlood, Adonis DNA, Winning, and You

Image by Chip Zdarsky
By James Curcio
It seems unimaginable that I should come to such a low point in my life that it would seem necessary for me to explain the ranting of Charlie Sheen to the public. Look, you all helped me reach this "rock bottom," which of course is not a real thing, there is no "real" rock bottom. It's a myth invented by AA. So I'm not actually at rock bottom, I'm actually on my way to "winning," which you would understand if you had any goddamn clue what this terminology actually refers to. Since you, you the American Public, are all so insistent on utilizing the advanced lexicon that developed as a result of his now (in)famous interviews, let's get a few things straight as this PR nightmare "win" jumps the megashark and bites a plane right out of fucking midair!OMGZ:

If you are going to pretend you are a Warlock or that you have Tigerblood,  you have to have some clue what these things are. They are based on an arcane system of magic that Charlie is a very high degree Adept in. (He actually kind of outed them based on a bit of a dispute. I am also a Sacred Brother, but they've been charging me dues for years and so far they haven't gotten me laid once since I joined so fuck them. Here are some of our secrets.)

"Tiger blood" is not something that all of us have. It is not an energy drink or a hot dog. It is reserved only for a select few- those who have demonstrated through "radical" acts their ability to "roll" in a way that would render most other people, including famed party animals like Mick Jagger, "droopy-eyed, armless children."

So don't just go around saying you have tiger blood. You need to prove that shit. Again: it can only be proven through the regular performance of radical acts which will leave the other people involved forever changed. Some might even say "scarred," but scarring is a common part of the Initiatory Process. I expect that in the coming years there will be a huge uptick in overdoses as some of you non-Tigerblood wannabees heart's explode all over your pimped out Honda's. That's alright. Our planet-mother-tree could use a little pruning.

Another little tidbit. "Adonis DNA" seems to be an afterthought, not all that different from "tigerblood," but it also helps explain how, in Sheen's self-referential ideology, he is able to live the life that he lives. Clearly it cannot be done without the DNA of Adonis. Again: Ye Shall Know Me By My Results. This is another core element of American Mythology that has been capitalized on by the drug formerly known as "Charlie Sheen." If you're not knee-deep in pussy, then sit down and shut up. You don't have Adonis DNA. If you do, you don't need to tell anyone, unless if you need a PR stunt to get you out of a jam. In which case, wave your arms and say the craziest shit you can come up with. The media will make so much noise you could run out the back door with 12 goddesses under each arm and no one would notice. 

"Warlock"? That's easy. Watch this shit from The Men That Stare At Goats

Did you get it? No? Then you're not a fucking Warlock. (And you're probably not a Black Wizard, either.)

Which gets me to "winning." It is somewhat unclear what "winning" means, since it might mean swinging from a the ceiling naked with a knife between your teeth, or having your children taken from you, or having the LA PD drop by for a friendly visit that is "not a raid." That's cool. It's all winning if you are "winning." This is murky semantic territory. I think "winning" is the attitude of winning. This follows from a very deep rooted myth in America, that image and intent is everything. If you are smiling as you shake a business-partner's hand, you are his friend, even if you are fucking his future with that deal. If you are rotting from the inside, but riding in a Lamborghini, you are "winning." 

(As for Bi-Winning, that is the Secret Key to the Internal Warlock Power. I am keeping that for a later point when everyone else thinks it's finally totally uncool to still be talking about this shit, and I will crack it open, like a box of Chinese food that's totally past its "open by" date. I will explore its swampy nether-regions and reveal arcana and even occult and psychological truths there too because I am just that fucking Bi-Winning)

But as for regular old "Winning," that is a state of mind. It is the state of mind where one believes with absolute certainty, no matter WHAT fucking empirical facts are staring you in the face, that one is, one embodies, the winner, hero archetype which is the absolute ideal in America Mythology. It doesn't matter if one actually wins or loses, what matters is that one approaches all wins and losses with the "winning" attitude. 

In conclusion, I do have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. I do not yet have "winning." But I am working on it. And that is the American way. 

Pre-order a copy of The Immanence of Myth, published by Weaponized in July 2011.

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