My "bucket list"

OK, for starters, yes I saw the movie. No, I am not especially proud of this fact. To say that it could have been worse also rightly implies it could have been better, though to have been better it would of course have to be something that it was not. Categorically.

That's not what this post is about, so I'm not going to belabor that.

No, this post is about being so bored - existentially, even - that I'm considering staying up all night. Which doesn't even make sense, I realize, unless if you too can hit that point where suddenly you're so bored - uninspired would be an even better word - that you couldn't possibly sleep no matter how hard you tried. And my schedule is so fucked at this point, I figure why not?

Actually, this post isn't about that either. But it's closer to my point by a number of degrees.

To pass a little bit of the time, I've decided that I will share with you some of the things that I want to do before I die. There, that was the thesis.

Most people have these Hallmark hopes and dreams for this list. I don't know, something-something World Series (is that something you Win? I haven't watched a full game of a sport on TV since I was just post-gestation), see the (insert expected landmark here), etc. None of that for me. I could care less if I see Mount Rushmore before I die. If I won a trophy for a sport, the only thing I could think to do with the cup is drink out of it. ("Just pour the mocha in here, that's fine.")

No, the things I would like to experience before the "oh shit, I'm about to die" realization followed by an eternity of being the rest of the universe (and not me), are much more random. You may call them impractical. Most of them certainly not good ideas, and some of them may very well kill me or get me a disease in the process.

But who wants to be a healthy corpse?

This is in no particular order.

1. Have something that I create reviewed (ideally favorably though I'll take what I can get) in a location with massive distribution that does not have the words "occult" "conspiracy" or "counterculture" anywhere within the entirety of the publication / show.

2. Fear And Loathing, International. I would like to do this after I've knocked off a couple of the others, as it would most likely either end a) with my death or b) with a prison sentence that I'd want to kill myself to get out of. This mission unpossible: get together my most bizarre and unusual friends. If this means traveling hundreds or thousands of miles to gather them up, so be it. Acquire a copious amount of hallucinogens, and a veritable bevy of prostitutes, none of whom speak the same language as us or each other. Replacing sleep with chemicals, document the almost certain straight arrow shot to hell that ensues on the Internet. If necessary, add to this cocktail those drugs which provoke increased sexual urges, gambling, and sleep walking / driving / etc. Remove the word "no" and the thought "this is probably not a good idea" from our collective physical and mental vocabulary. Demand chaos, and expect nothing less.

3. This is an old one, and one of the less probable ones. (I'm not even sure if it's possible.) I have always- since I was a child- wanted a silverback gorilla in a pin-striped suit that I could train to teach solitaire and refer to as "my bouncer." Though back then he was my bodyguard. But I think bouncer is better. Seriously, you will never need violence when you have the threat of a grouchy silverback gorilla just a room away. (A grouchy silverback that almost certainly sucks at playing solitaire.) I'll grant this is something one "has" rather than "does"- just don't say that to the gorilla. He is no one's bitch.

4. Create something that I feel truly happy with- at least for a week- without that itching, burning, gnawing that I can do better. (Or was that caused by #2?) This feeling is probably to be enjoyed with a full-bodied wine or beer. Maybe some lambic. And a friend or two who can sit there quietly and bask in contentedness with you without asking you what you're going to do next.

5. Milk yaks with Jillian somewhere in Tibet, churn butter from the milk, and demonstrate that google was right, and it is both nutritious and delicious.

Actually, this one isn't very important. A better one might be: kidnap Jillian. Avoid the authorities.

6. Spend an entire week with at least two people that I find incredibly sexually appealing doing nothing but having sex, eating, massaging, imbibing uh... those things which may enhance or intensify the experience... and very occasionally, sleeping. Granted, I've done it before but it was definitely worth repeating. Activities such as swimming are also allowed, but anything not immediately related to the potentially gratifying experience of being physically present in a body (e.g. anything that glows on a screen) is right out. We simply don't enjoy the possibilities nearly enough.

7. Writing, co-producing, soundtrack production, etc for a feature length film or similarly "immersive" project. Though nice it's not the credits that I care about, it's the experience. I want to do something that intense with a team of people that are every bit as dedicated (obsessed) with the production as I am, and with the funds to actually fucking do it right.

8. Get to watch Christie come into her own and get healthy along the way.

9. Finally, possibly most important and least likely. Spend a month in a beautiful location with the people I care most about without any of us once thinking about a project, work, financial stress, or any element of success or failure- just living. This is obviously only truly possible after some of the others have already been fulfilled.

Do you see the common theme here? Most require an inordinate amount of money. I need to get on that. (But the last one doesn't, you say. Bullshit. Not having to think of such things is the most expensive of them all.)

One final thing, I'm not entirely kidding. This is probably why the Universe doesn't want me to get famously wealthy. Because I would do these things. And if I don't get the opportunity to check at least some of them off the list I will return to this Earth a vengeful ghost.