Thursday, October 14, 2010

Crazy Christians

I know there's got to be at least one of your who caught the Studio 60 reference in the title. 
I wanted to touch on something that has caused, in my estimation, more than enough pain and suffering in the world. That thing is Christianity. Let me help clear this up for you guys, because for some reason - though I am not a Christian myself - I seem to have, in my infinite wisdom (read: utter bewilderment in the face of the absurdity of life) figured out some things that a lot of the faithful (brainwashed herd?) somehow missed.

And yeah, I know I just lost the entire audience that might have gotten something out of this post by saying that, and now I'm preaching to the choir. As the Lord Jesus Christ said, "Fuck it."
Let's just hammer out a couple basics for what would actually make a good Christian. 
First, I'm not going to even talk about God. You don't need to either. You can, if you like, to pass the time. But there is no need. If there is an omnipotent, omnipresent God, he doesn't need you acting as his PR firm. He really doesn't. He has a much larger budget and further reach than you do. You're just embarassing yourself. He also doesn't need a PR firm because he's God. You don't need to prove to me that you exist, do you? Then neither should God. And if he's so insecure about his existence than he probably needs therapy. 

Second, throw out your Bible. No really, toss it in the trash immediately. Or burn it. Drown it in a lake. It'd be the most Christian thing you could possibly do. There are some good stories in there, and in between the pages and pages of awfulness, some really beautiful passages as well. But it is just a stumbling block when it comes to actually actively being a Christian. It is a static text full of moral and ideological anachronisms-- most of it is based on the beliefs of people who lived hundreds or thousands of years ago. In fact it is many books, cobbled together through the hands of many scribes over the procession of centuries. Maybe that didn't convince anyone. More to the point: Christ didn't need a damn bible. Why should you? 
Let's get right to it. The cornerstone of Christianity is Christ. What can we say of him? A whole lot, obviously, but I think there's enough to be found in three key points. 

First, he was a rebel of his time, completely unafraid to stand up for what he believed in even if it got him fucking crucified. Most Christians are terrified about going to Sunday mass wearing clashing socks. This guy took nails to his extremities. Be as Christ? Stop worrying about being like anyone else. 

Second, Christ was accepting of people of all mindsets. Though of course the words of this supposed historic figure are rather different depending on which disciple you listen to, it seems pretty evident that he wasn't afraid to hang out with lepers, prostitutes, heathens, you name it. So a good Christian would not be worried about "setting an example," and they wouldn't be afraid to get their hands dirty, so as to bring light to the darkest places on Earth.

Third- when it is said to "be as Christ" it means that you need to accept that you are already dead. Meditating on the crucification means meditating on your own death, just as the Tibetans do. That means that you can't hold on to possessions, money, you shouldn't make any of the decisions that you do based on anything except for the uplifting of "the brotherhood of man," which is to say, divine grace and kindness even in the face of cruelty. Fancy churches? Nice mini-vans? Better get rid of your crosses, heathens. Christ would've started a homeless shelter.  What are you doing in the Suburbs in your SUV, Christian? You need to be Saving people. That isn't done with pamphlets and bullshit. It's done with food and resources and love and quite possibly your life. 

As I said, I'm not a Christian. But those of you who claim to be really should start acting like it. (And for those of you who do- I have nothing but respect for your path. It just isn't mine.) 

Lecture over. Class dismissed. 


  1. Anonymous11:17 AM

    This is an interesting assessment, one that I--a Christian--generally agree with. I especially appreciate your criticism of churches who try (and usually fail) to look cool.

    However, I'm not sure that I agree that we should chuck the Bible. Granted, it has been manipulated and misinterpreted across the millenia. Additionally, most Christian are sorely uneducated about the Bible and its origins.

    It's misunderstood and misused, but I don't think that justifies throwing it out. Investing more in the education of Christians, on the other hand, seems justified.

  2. The problem with how most people use the Bible is in their literal interpretation of its stories. The Bible is best read as the text of a mythological order with a spiritual rather than literal interpretation. Many myths were used to pass on life lessons, observations that the ancients made about life and the kosmos around them. These observations were passed on in the form of entertaining stories that were easy to remember, which we now call myths. That is how the Bible should be read. We moderns have forgotten the lessons contained in these stories and now must puzzle them out. People like Joseph Campbell and Carl Jung (as well as many others) have led the way in deciphering these messages. For anyone interested I have just started to discuss such matters on my blog at Check it out and give me a comment on what you think. By the way Jesus was well versed in the Jewish scriptures (Bible) of his day

  3. I am quite well aware of Campbell. I must have watched all of his lectures on old dubbed VHS tapes time and again in my late high school and early college years.

    And in fact my position that the book should be tossed out the window is a step that begins with his position. He said we need new myths. It would've caused an uproar for him to say it, of course. But I don't see how clinging to patches of what could be taken from an old patchwork text with so much baggage can lead to these new myths.

    My saying that isn't going to lead to people doing it, and I'm certainly not going to waste my energy rallying some "Bible Burning" campaign-- though it'd be kind of funny and might drive me a bit of traffic. But I AM going to direct my energy towards dropping the past and inventing anew, and I think the more people that do the same the better. After all, nothing is truly new: the past will come along and meet us in the present whenever we try to create.



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